Energy is known to travel with water. Consider the lightning displays with some storms. Nature has a way of being more magnificent than any fireworks man could concoct. She is God’s creation after all.
Seems like when the first real rains of spring come, I ALWAYS get an extreme rush of energy and emotions. Thankfully, today’s rains came on a Sunday, after church. So, the flood of emotions were mostly convictions filled with hope, as well as fear and doubt.
I’ve been here before. Where I’m filled with on and off moments of spiritual bliss and enlightenment. A period of my life where I’m attending church, listening to uplifting music, getting out to know new people, making a conscious effort to be patient and kind, getting involved, abstaining from alcohol and drugs, trying to surround myself with positive activities and the like. One time it lasted eight years.
It was real, until it wasn’t.
I had been doing fine as a single mom. I was focused on church and volunteering for the church youth group. I prayed daily for others before myself. My kids were priority, my friendships were strong, my kids and I loved our home and I had a manner of respect for keeping it together despite financial hardships here and there. My job was just ok. I was managing a movie and music store with nights and Sundays off. Constant access to what I enjoyed balanced the crappy pay.
Eventually, though, I started to get lonely. I began looking out and around and had stopped looking up. Slowly fading away, I started going out on the weekends hoping to meet someone. I always did, but I just wasn’t the “hook-up” kind of girl. I longed for meaningful, intelligent conversations, watching well-made movies then critiquing every aspect while cuddling and drinking wine, going to concerts and dancing, tailgating with the best grub and our faces painted, meeting each other’s friends and making new ones together. I knew I wasn’t going to find that at a club. So, I went to house parties. Things didn’t get any better. I met some terrible people who figured they could get away doing terrible things. I felt like I’d never meet anyone who would want me for anything other than sex.
It got to a point where going through the motions meant covering my reality with masks to suit the suitor. I not only felt lonely, but lost too.
Long story short, I had finally met someone, at work. We had most of the things I was looking for in common, EXCEPT for the most important things. He had no relationship with God, or anything spiritual, for that matter. He was agnostic. I thought I could live with that. He asked me to lead him spiritualy, but by then, I had already been backsliding.
I joined him two or three nights a week in bars so he could play music while I sat and drank. I thought I was going to meet all of his friends, till I discovered he didn’t have any close friends. I was too enamoured by his ability to play guitar, that I figured we’d make friends together. I had stars in my eyes and heaven in my ears (so I’d thought).
I was so wrong about us making friends. It felt more like we were making enemies together. THAT was something I wasn’t use to. I ended most nights sitting alone in bars watching him play guitar, enjoying himself as I drank my loneliness. A few years in, I had faded from my own friends.
Four years into our rollercoaster relationship, he went on to play in a great band with someone else I use to like spending time with years ago. The band became the only thing he would sacrifice anything for. I tried to be supportive, I enjoyed that band and hearing him play, but I felt pushed aside and abandoned all over again. I became resentful. Not just towards him, but towards myself. In the end, I had given up and pushed a lot aside to be with him. In doing so, I lost more than I had gained and I was miserable.
I see the pattern now. It’s always been that way with me. I do fine when it’s just myself looking to God for everything. But I become weak when that human need and desire to connect, to be held, to be made love to, to be wanted and needed washes over me. I look out instead of up. And if I may be so honest and blunt, I end up on my knees for the wrong reasons.
So, I’m afraid of it happening again. I’m happy in my journey back to God right now. I’m willing to open up and be completely myself; the struggles, the flaws, the beautiful tragedy that I am. I don’t want to fall off track again for someone who isn’t willing to encourage my growth and relationship with God and the legacy I want to leave my children and grandchildren with.
It’s been an odd day with odd emotions as I reflect on this.